Financial mistakes we make when blinded by love

Married people, when they are married to the right person, and they are happy regardless of financial issues, need to trust each other first, before they trust any stranger who is going to try and convince one party or the other that the other is the enemy, when it comes to money. Back in the 1950's people got married for life, they stayed together and they trusted each other. They didn't go around backstabbing each other for the love of money. That's the main problem in the world today. Too many women are spoiled brats, some making between $100K to $500K per year and they only want a rich husband, to boot, so they marry one for more money, divorce him a few years later, and end up with a huge settlement. And they keep on going until the next sucker in line gets had. Men can do the same in reverse, but it's not as common. People marrying each other for the money is the reason they end up divorced and with financial divorce lawyers managing their affairs. They never got married for the 'holy' reasons people got married back before the 1960s.
Now what you are saying here in your post is you are trying to act like some kind of warning system for people. The way I see it is, people who never belonged together will end up divorced, regardless of money issues. Gambling sickness and overspending requires psychological help and financial education. Then people can possibly go on and survive together. However, your take on it is like that of the financial advisor who gives the impression to a person who is in financial trouble, that you, the financail advisor are his or her saviour. Well, nothing could be farther from the truth. The problem at the center of any marriage is ideology. Ideology lends itself to a revelation of how money is viewed and how it manifests itself in a couple's life.

Well Mr. Buckland, you have again turned a beautiful thing (marriage), into something rather nasty. I have been married for about two decades now and never plan on leaving my husband and vice versa. We both trust each other and we both look at our family as our team. It's wonderful.
All you have to do is fall in love first. (We didn't need a resume to tell each other we loved each other.) Then, you learn activities (entertainment) together. Then, by george, you get married and have kids together. It really is that simple. Lastly, I would never have married a guy who asked me to sign a prenup simply because it proves that he doesn't trust me. If you don't have trust you don't have a relationship of any sort. Oh, and after everything I just said, the financial question is mute because you love and trust each other.

Ya,when it comes down to it,,,,,,it is greed these daz!!!!!!DIVORCE can be nasty when money is involved!!! MONEY IS the ROOT OF ALL EVIL........Could not have said it better!

Well Ms. Trixie - I thought the same way as you did until some two years ago. 35 years into marriage, three kids and one day after returning from hospital, my "beloved wife" (and now an ex-wife) slammed me with divorce papers. Oh also sent me an ultimatum - sign all monies to me and the divorce can stop. Two years of bitterness, clogged arteries due to stress and I am free after some $600,000 settlement. Also cleaned me out of jewellery worth over $150,000 held is your so-called "blissfully joint" account, all joint bank accounts, and tons of expensive furniture and equipment. So much for your so called beautiful thing called marriage.

GUYS - don't fall for it. Keep everything separate, keep strict and detailed records, a very tight per-nup contract which included detailed clauses for child support and lots of common sense. let love stay in your pyjamas and your money in YOUR Bank Account. Do not mix or confuse the location of either.

And God (if there be one) protect us from GREEDY and MONEY GRUBBING women

Jay,

Money is not the root of all evil. Money is a necessity of life and enables us to do the things we need to do to both survive and enjoy life. It is the "LOVE of money that is the root of all evil".

We must remember that at one time women could not have their own bank accounts, let alone a credit card. Therefore, to have anything in life, you had to be MARRIED. If you were able to get a divorce, there was no guarantee that you'd get a nickel, but you would get stuck with your kids with no means of support. So what happened then? You had to land another man to support you... or like lots of women in the 60-70s, go on welfare.

Times have changed ladies and it's time to pull your heads out of the sand. Just because you "trust" your husband doesn't mean he is trustworthy. This goes for the men too. I have heard so many stories of people being kicked to the curb then to find out the joint account has been drained and there's not much you can do about it then. I've also heard of one partner hiding purchases and huge credit cards from the other so that when the relationship is over, suddenly you're in debt over your heads. I know personally of one woman who was dragged into a bankruptcy because the man she "trusted" had blown every penny and thousands more and she had blindly signed her name to everything... stupid, stupid, stupid!!

I am not suggesting that anyone accuse their partner of doing these kinds of things, but you have to look at your circumstances and quit thinking that you're being "taken care of" or "that's just marriage" when one of you says.. "I'll look after the finances honey, don't worry :)"... one person totally in charge leaves it open to abuse.

I've been a single mom for a very long time, not one man has contributed to my finances in a long time so everything I own or do is through my own efforts. No way would I get married again unless I have a pre-nup signed.. he wasn't there for me when I was struggling to support my child or to add to my annual income, so why would I hand over my pension, RRSP, house, etc?? Anything we purchase or work towards together will be joint, I agree with that.. but anything that came before is mine, then goes to my child who had to live through the struggles. If I can't get an ironclad pre-nup, I'll stay single. I don't believe that being married automatically makes everything "theirs". I work hard to stay out of debt but if I were to meet someone who had a lot of debt but has hidden it from me and let's be honest, people do LIE.. then I end up on the hook.. that's not love to me, it's deception.

To Franz.. that sucks that she basically took you to the cleaners.. most likely she had all her female friends egging her on.. I work with a bunch of women, I hear it all the time and it makes me sick (one of my divorcing co-workers has actually said she wished he'd died so she could have everything.. this is someone who is getting a lot of spousal support anyway, I have no respect for her). I have seen the flip side of it though, where the man is able to withhold assets and the woman ends up with very little.. so it does go both ways. I believe in equality, I believe that women should have to support themselves (in other words, spousal support should not exist.. you had a free ride for years, it's over, move on). Franz I hope you realize we aren't all gold diggers but as I said, I won't give away all that I have.. so if I do end up married again, he's going to have to bring something to the table.

I'm sure a lot of people will disagree with me but to those who have never looked at their finances.. wake up.. how many times have you known someone who is getting divorced and they were completely blind-sided by it? It's happening to my friend right now and she's been fighting for over 2 years because her ex thinks there's some hidden trust fund which he's entitled to (there isn't, but it's costing her almost 6 figures to pay her lawyer to prove it). So, know what you have, make copies and if you do end up divorced be fair, nobody is entitled to everything and only the lawyers will win in the end.

I got blindsided by divorce, and I completely agree with the warnings. Marriage is unnatural. One person has to be dependent on the other in order to have likes/dislikes of another person imposed upon them. In the 50s and 60s, there were social pressures that made marriage and servitude a necessity. Nowadays, with social pressures removed, abortions and the pill in full swing, and Democracies run more like multi-national corporations, it's every man/woman for him/herself financially. With the financial restraints removed, why would any 2 people want to be together for more than a few months tops? And why would they want to be saddled with kids? - especially with youth unemployment rates - they're stuck caring for their offspring into their 30s or later. Ughhh, nightmare. Women and men have different interests. It's anthropologically unnatural for the two to be joined at the hip, nagging at each other for life. I say, heed the warnings. It will make the time you have left before your cancer tumour starts growing more bearable.

You're a moron to get married if you sign a pre-nup first. Logical? Perhaps. But marriage should be about love, not a business deal. If you feel the need to sign a pre-nup, do you really believe it will last? In that case, why bother.

I am reading all of these posts and they are quite depressing. Yes I agree marriage is not the way it use to be , although it is certainly not unnatural. Everyone wants to have someone by their side, when they are on their death bed.It is human nature to want companionship. To all those negative nannies who had bad break ups, everyone goes through it. After something like this you don't shut out the relationship world, you pick yourself up and be more vigilant with whom you choose. The biggest thing is to COMMUNICATE. Whether it is finances or sexual prowess people just don't talk enough in their relationships. People always know when there is something wrong, they just choose to ignore the signs
because they don't want to know that the partner their with is a cheater or money grubber. Life is a gamble everywhere you go, if you don't gamble on a relationship,life will be safe financially ,although pretty lonely living the one night stand single life.

What's with the SHOUTING?
These days marriage is just a piece of paper-as I understand the stats half are divorced within a few years.
I prefer S-l-u-t-s you know what you have...

I would like to say that a woman can never be trusted no matter how long you have known them. 26 years later and two kids which she has abbandoned I now know the truth about what they want. After leaving just a few months into a new Mortgage which I now pay alone do you think its right for me to give her half after I spend the next 15 years paying for it. Is that what a woman calls fair, then they complaine because they got nothing. Well she took $ 20.000 in jewelery, and the cloths that woman had was enough for a whole community. Mean while me and the kids were in rags. Woman are greedy and selfish and all you here is give me this or I wish I had that, will if you want it then go and work for it. Its not so pretty on the other side but I say good riddens to bad rubbish.

Wow...........lots of anti-women remarks on here! Men can be just as bad.

When I met my second husband he had nothing - I was a well off young widow. After 15 years of a loving, happy marriage, during which I earned nearly twice as much as he did annually, he had the mother of all midlife crises, claimed he no longer wanted any responsibilites, and left me to live with the much younger woman with whom he'd been having an affair. In the two years since he has contributed next to nothing to our joint expenses, his credit rating is in the toilet, my life savings are seriously depleted, and my lawyer informs me I might have to pay him support.

I'll slit my wrists first.

It is fairly clear on these posts who has gone thru a divorce.I was married for twenty five years and believed it was for life.We had finacial freedom and lived in our dream home in a beautiful country setting.My two sons were in college and university.I told my wife it was our time again finally and wanted us to start doing more together.Unfortunately over the next year us doing more included her sleeping with a co-worker in another city.She left me without an explanation for a married man.The divorce was bitter and expensive but at the end we agreed it was somewhat fair.
I am after seven years in a wonderful relationship and could wind up married again.All I worked for was to and still will go to my sons as she will do the same for her two kids.What WE build together is ours. There is no way our kids should get screwed because we weren't financially responsible.
For those who say marriage is about love....you are right....but...things change even when you think it is great.That is the reality of this world. I love my life again but much wiser this time.

the last 3 men i dated were money hungry *****'s, they used me for what i could buy them, etc. I'm just saying men do it as much as women, women simply get the bad rep for it.

Sorry Franz. I"m going to pick up on what two people said here already, I believe. The first one is communication. I know from my own experience, it is very hard to get the two different sexes communicating because they tend to communicate differently and then you have to throw all the anger, bitterness and resentment into the mix. To top this off, women (yes, Im a woman) tend to talk to their "group" of girlfriends and often that "group" talks them out of their marriage. (I got thrown out of a "group" like this, when I wouldn't trash my own husband. I'm glad I did.) Women, stop going to your friends about your marriage. Anyway, I'm sorry for the marriages that have failed. However, I still believe that trust is the key and I also believe there are signs when the marriage is about to fail, but you've got to be willing to see the signs and approach your spouse.

Mine is a little different story about love and money. My husband and I were separated for two years when he committed suicide, leaving me to raise our two young boys and my teenaged son from a previous relationship who is bipolar. Those were rough years with me trying to make up for the loss of their father by spending money like I was still part of a couple. My boys did not deserve to loss their father and, whether it out of guilt but most certainly out of love, I wracked up a lot of debt. I am still muttling my way through the mess and will likely not be through it all for many yers. My heart was certainly in trying to help my children and myself get through the sadness but my head was not engaged. I am determined not to go bankrupt but at this point I will have to seek some kind of option as I am barely tread water. The moral of this story is: perhaps for a few years after a tragedy occurs, you might want to have a responsible third party assisting in money matters.

Wow, gender bashing supreme is going on, removing the focus from what the suggestions are in the article.
I am a widow after 34 years of marriage. We hashed out our money handling attitudes and differences within the first couple years of marriage. I was also a stay at home mother and did not bring in direct dollars for the family income. However, I also did not overspend, instead I used the family's share extremely well and wisely. So much so that my late husband absolutely trusted me and my viewpoints of money management. We communicated, agreed and disagreed over many instances and items throughout our relationship but trust was never doubted.
There are several important points for all to consider and the article really just talks about looking at the issues without the cloudiness of lust or emotions. It is extremely important for both parties to earn separate good credit ratings. Should something happen to the major breadwinner, this will be necessary for the survivor to change the hydro bill into their name (without a deposit or hassle) or to even access the equatity in the family home. Regarding a second relationship in paticular, a prenup might prove to be invaluable, particularly when there are children involved from the first relationship, acting as a safety brake while debating whatever issues.. This has nothing to do with trust, rather this is simply wise and easier for BOTH parties. Simple record keeping details of personal worth and articles of value of what was owned before a marriage is wise as what you owned or can trace to pre-marriage, remains yours even in common law relationships. The same with inheritance assests..you inherit, not your significant other or your children unless they are directly named. What you may choose to do with your assests is ultimately your choice but a pre nup may give you time to be wise and non emotional in your decisions.

I am truly sorry for the people who have been treated badly. I have friends of both genders who have been robbed of their assests, THEIR hard work gone in a blink of an eye. However, I still hold to the premise, honesty and trust was lacking throughout their relationship. just my humble opinion....

I have to say, the female-bashing in some of these posts is ridiculous. How can you generalize that all women are money-hungry, greedy, and selfish? Maybe we should generalize that all men are egotistical jerks who only want one thing... Sounds pretty ridiculous, no?

I am a 24 year old woman, who has been in a serious relationship for 3 years. My boyfriend is still going to college, and I am working 2 jobs to save for a house (just to clarify, I also have no debt, as I worked through university). Do I resent the fact that I'm the one bringing in all the money? No. Do I spend it like crazy just because I'm the one earning it? No. It all comes down to using your head. Don't spend money you don't have. Debt is what kills most relationships.

Don't make this about gender. Make it about brains - some people have the brains to handle money, some don't.

I read all the comments above, and agree with most. I have been married for only 15 month when my ex decided to take up and leave the marriage. We just built a home together and were not even living in it for a year. She has filed for divorce and is suing me for half of everything, she basically wants to recover any money she has put into this marriage without any regards to what I have contributed.
Do I agree on pre-nup's, my answer is NO, but I do believe it is better to keep separate bank accounts with possible a joint account that each person in the marriage can contribute into each month to help pay for everyday expenses.
Am I bitter for my divorce or empending divorce. NO, even though my ex left without giving any indication or even a reason? I did truly love her and don't hate her or hate marriage. I realized that if someone can simply walk away from a bond between 2 people (marriage) then they either never really truly loved the person or they never knew the true meaning of marriage.
Lets face it everyone, marriage is not easy, you take 2 different people and they have to co-exist together, but marriage is about communicating and respecting one another, and being honest to each other and yourself. If you have doubts then that person is not really for you, you should love them unconditionally and accept them for who they are and with all their faults (no one is perfect).
Once everyone understands these issues, marriages will again begin to out last divorces, but unfortuantely it is much easier today to get up and leave and start all over agin then to stick it out and fight the good fight.
PS: once someone gets up and leaves without even trying, chances are good that they will repeat this pattern many time again in their future, never ever being happy.

I agree with the premise that you should take emotion out of it. I think women put way too much status on being married.. based on a lot of comments I've heard over the years. The ones I know personally have no concept of what being a single parent is like (and the smug ones who think it was my fault or it will never happen to them aren't worth my time as they will crash and burn if it ever does happen), hoping from month to month that the small child support payments come in... I had to learn to consider it "bonus" money.. if he didn't pay it I had to track him down.. what fun that was the 3 or 4 times I had to do it.

To the person who says it's not a business transaction, I disagree, as in many cultures that's exactly what it is. Take the good points of that and utilize it to your advantage. These days, nobody wants to tell anyone what they make or what they owe, so you can't go on faith that the other person knows how to handle money. Few people are marrying at 18 with nothing anymore. Those who are lucky enough to have made it through unscathed over the years are just that.. lucky. I applaud that you were able to do that so maybe you can't fathom the deception that goes on. As someone noted, the divorce rate is 50% but that doesn't incluce the common-law relationships or even just the casual ones where one person has used money to control or impress the other. Just remember, knowing about your finances and taking steps to ensure that you have all of the information isn't unromantic or being distrustful, it's just smart. A couple of people have pointed out that they were widowed. People may not leave by walking out the door.. so educate yourselves now without the pain and emotion clouding your judgement.

Just a note, there's no reason to bash anyone here.. both genders are equally guilty of screwing the others, but the person who said women discuss all this with their friends is right.. I've had to listen to it and there is a lot of women who feel the men "owe" them from beginning to end and when I object they don't like it. Everyone needs to get over their entitlement issues and earn your own way.