Study: 'substantially higher risk of divorce' when wife earns more than husband
There’s a scene in Up in the Air, last year’s should’ve-been-Best Picture, where Vera Farmiga is counselling a younger woman in crisis over her future love life.
At one point, cataloguing what she’d look for herself, Farmiga notes, “Please, let him earn more money than I do. You might not understand that now but, believe me, you will one day. Otherwise, that’s a recipe for disaster.”
She may have been speaking freely – or, perhaps more accurately, reading from Jason Reitman’s script – but a recently uncovered German study makes the 36-year-old’s words ring more true than ever.
According to IZA, the Institute for the Study of Labour, the problems caused by a woman earning more money than her husband are no longer up for debate. They’re rooted in fact.
In a study of West German couples, IZA concluded that marriages featuring a wife as the chief breadwinner have a “substantially higher risk of divorce” than if the roles were reversed.
“In contrast,” the report continues, “if the husband (earns more than the wife), marital stability is even enhanced.
Don’t bother reading the whole study – it’s an 18-page PDF and doesn’t exactly keep you on edge like the Da Vinci Code – but there are two key phrases within the report that seem to suggest much more than they actually say:
1) “The husband’s self-esteem might be adversely affected by (his wife’s) economic success.” Not a real surprise here, but never – despite any candid talk at the coffee shop or wherever – has a so-called academic source hinted that a man’s ego can’t handle his significant other earning more than him. This might not seem like rocket science, but it’s in stark contrast to this next proposal …
2) “Given that about 2/3 of divorces in Germany are initiated by women, one could think that financial independence is a necessary precondition for her to do so.” Consider, for a second, what this statement means. Not only does it suggest a woman with cash is more likely to leave her husband, but that more women in all marriages would likely seek divorce if they could afford it. The report makes us believe that even in traditional relationships where a woman earns less than the man, such women would seek divorce on a much more accelerated scale if their financial means allowed them to do so.
Agree? Disagree?
In any case, this German report doesn’t appear much good for men. If, as the above study tell us, it’s imperative they earn more than their wives to have a successful relationship, this isn’t the best time for love.
As the New York Times points out, the “Mancession” is among us.
By Jason Buckland, MSN Money
Posted by: Kathryn Bigelow | Mar 31, 2021 1:15:21 PM
How dare you! Up In The Air sucked!
Posted by: BLH | Mar 31, 2021 1:27:29 PM
This study's conclusion is absolutely true. It is the main reason I am divoced, as my ex-husband made half what I did. His ego couldn't handle the variance. He used his lack of salary parity to give up all decision making and then use it agaisnt me. Essentially he felt that since I made more - it was demeaning to him as a man.
I told him get use to feeling demeaned by others - if he self esteem is only wrapped up in a salary number - there is always someone who makes more, is brighter, faster, smart, stronger, skinnier, etc.
He put himself in the category by acting useless.
Posted by: zynex | Mar 31, 2021 3:13:42 PM
Another study conducted so someone can get their grant, stats can be sku'd, what a load of crap.
I'm married to a woman that earns more than myself and it doesnt bother me at all. She's worked hard to get where she is and that's admirable, especialy in an industry that's dominated by men.
If the study indicates that divorces were intiated by women, perhaps the issue is not the male ego but that these women see men as under achievers??? Like I said you can argue either point.
". He used his lack of salary parity to give up all decision making and then use it agaisnt me. Essentially he felt that since I made more - it was demeaning to him as a man."
This sounds more like you're perception of how he felt, and why he in your opinion " gave up all decision making". Sounds like were not getting the whole story, or at least just one sid of it.
Posted by: Ashmanaille | Apr 1, 2021 6:28:27 AM
I can see that side of it. My generation (20 - 30 somethings) grew up in an environment where it was not uncommon to see Mom work in a clothing store, or at the bank, or not at all and Dad to work at a hospital or on a construction site. My partner also grew up in the same sort of environment where the Dad made substantially more than Mom. However, the roles are reversed with us. We've been together since we first met in university, going on 10 years ago, and it's never been a problem for him. I will admit that for a time, it did bother me. However, I just decided that the relationship meant more to me than a few dollars. We can afford to do all the things we want. We never do without and if either of us wants something, we go out and get it. Once I started thinking about it as "our" money instead of "his" and "mine" all that went away. Actually, I would love it if he worked just part-time so that we have more time together (he works shifts and I'm 9-5). I'm so glad that the disparity doesn't bother him either, because money is a pretty crappy thing to give up a great relationship for. I would hope that other men and women see it the way we do. As long as you have everything you need and some of what you want, there is no reason to be dissatisfied.
Posted by: skinblade | Apr 1, 2021 8:44:35 AM
My wife makes triple what I do, and it doesn't bother me at all! It's not wage-discrepancy that causes a rift, but youthful ignorance. We married at 40, each knowing who we were and what we wanted out of life. Our marriage is a true partnership, based on love and laughter.
Posted by: Tim99 | Apr 2, 2021 3:33:55 PM
As a Financial Advisor I see many happy couples where the wife earns more than the husband. Some are older than their husbands and look forward to retiring early while their husbands continue to work and support them. In the end it evens out.
As long as the relationship is healthy and the couple have other interests that bring them together as a family then money is just a means to an end. If you already make 10 million then another 5 or 10 million is not goig to change your lifestyle. Why sweat the small stuff.
Personally I encourage my wife to build her business and succeed.
After all, behind every successful man is a good woman...regardless if she is a good executive, business owner, mom, model, artist or homemaker.
Posted by: helennotoftroy | Apr 2, 2021 9:30:19 PM
Good to know there are men who don't suffer the male ego malaise. So I shouldn't give up looking for true eternal love and happiness after a failed marriage and then a failed relationship all thanks to my professional success and earning capacity. Both men I had loved with all my heart at one time, just to be sorely disappointed after.
Truth be told, there are men who DO let their male ego take it all away. Speaking from first-hand experience.
Posted by: kyzlorda | Apr 2, 2021 9:44:08 PM
So how come women want a man to make a commitment and get a man into a marriage so quickly, but are so quick to pulll the plug? What kind of screwed up soceity are we in anyway? No wonder so many guys go for foreign women. And of course, all the feminists will say "it's all the man's fault". Sheesh.
Posted by: Anonymous | Apr 2, 2021 9:45:20 PM
A man who has no life, imagination, or creativity might be threatened by a woman making lots of money. But I know many male writers, artists, craftspeople, etc. and men dedicated to causes (social justice, environment, etc.) who are really having in impact in meaningful ways and are delighted to work at what they love, and pick up some of the household chores, while their wives do the 9-5 bread-winning. There is a big difference between a successful artist (who might not have a steady income but exhibits and gets great reviews) or someone who runs a soup kitchen (and doesn't get rich, but helps many people) and a couch potato who wants a wife to support him while he watches TV
Posted by: SP | Apr 2, 2021 10:00:46 PM
Countless studies already show that women initiate most divorces regardless the income differential.
Adding to that, I have yet to see studies showing / or meet women experiencing long term happiness with the notion of being the primary breadwinner.
Self Esteem is the issue, just not for the men (remember, it's wives initiating these divorces). Women have chosen to take many mens' places in academia and industry only to lament the fact that there are so few 'eligible' men now available or that their husbands career progression has stalled.
This poses for women a collective quandary; Achieve career success and be single, or sublimate career aspirations into creating a biological future.
(While you work on that remember; Indian, Mexican and African women are right now happily starting families with modest means and men have no biological clocks)
As for the "Mancession" article... What happens when the public purse strings start to tighten? Don't kid yourself, the traditional family is traditional because only it produces long term results.
Posted by: Neatness | Apr 4, 2021 9:31:51 AM
something that happened to me which may add a little value to the discussion:
I was a student (now graduated and gainfully employed), my income was very low at the time and I dated an older (6 yrs diff) guy who had a decent job and a mortgaged house. My future earning power is higher than his because of my chosen vocation and marketable skills, and he knew it. this is how the relationship went:
1st month: he started dropping hints about "helping him pay his mortgage" (I lived separately)
- he expected me to pay for times we went out together, even though at the time I had hardly any income and I would not go to the same places without him, i.e. his spending was higher than mine and I was expected to pay for at least half.
- 2nd month: he dropped hints that I should be forever grateful for those few dinners he paid for and that one day I will make up for it (because he knows I'll be making more). He suggests taking me to Hawaii, knowing he can remind me about it in the future. (Im not an idiot, said no)
3rd month: I dump him.
this was a temporary situation, but it illustrates how some greedy insecure men behave. Their greed may be the reason they're not up to their full earning potential (!!!). Thank God women can earn enough money nowadays, so they dont have to depend on this kind of a person.
Moral of the story: Nobody should have to put up with a man like that. So, women, go out and make your own. As for men like the one I described -- tell him to put his money right where his mouth is.
Posted by: Lisa | Apr 4, 2021 4:10:11 PM
I usually hear guys say it's o.k. if the woman earns more. However, IF you have a career...DON'T have kids...it's not fair to them. You just simply don't have the time for them. I'm with "SP" on that.
The daycare, and then school and extracurricular activities end up raising YOUR child. That's not fair.
Posted by: mario | Apr 9, 2021 2:05:37 PM
Ain't life a bitch.
Posted by: Brian | Apr 13, 2021 10:48:22 AM
I'm actually going through this situation and it's enlightening, yet realistic at the same time. But, all in all, it depends on how the guy chooses to approach the situation.
I grew up in a family where mom and dad both worked, becuase they had to. Being private school teachers, they capped their salaries 10 years ago, and they've been teaching 30 years. They do what they love and they are content.
I started my career 15 years ago when I began working with computers, back in the "early days" when commercial networking was not as technical as it is now. I had built up a huge list of skills and leveraged throse through my career up until about 7 years ago when I chose to pursue a career in Project Management and Business. Being in tech, you udnerstand that you either continue to build and build your skillset because the market is flooded with new-coming IT specialists and your competition is huge, or you leverage your existing tech skill and built on project management or get into management itself. I've held Jr. Executive positions, managerial and supervisory positions.
Five years ago I got married. My wife is an RN by trade and worked hard to get her degree. But she wanted more for her career and for the last 3 years has been working towards her Nurse Practitioner Masters Degree.
While I've been the "breadwinner (ie main income provider for my family of 3)" my wifes earning potential will be twice to three times what I am currently making as a project manager within the next 3 years.
What does this mean? It means I can approach it two ways:
1. I can let my ego get in the way and get all huffed up because she's earning more and I could feel like I am inadequate as a man because my career isn't making as much as hers and that somehow I am going to be worth less with less decision making ability. Or,
2. I can man up. I can accept the fact that in the medical industry within the US, medical professionals are in high demand, competition is much lower than that in tech, and my wife worked hard to get where she is and I can accept it. I can understand that while I am working I AM contributing to the family even if it is only paying bills, but I am contributing.
I think the bottom line is, I know that if I continue pursuing to work and pay off bills and put money into savings, I am contributing. It doesn't matter WHAT you are doing, just DO something. My wife told me "by me making more it will give you the opportunity to work part time if you want or pursue something you've always wanted to do". It was a very kind and thoughtful thing to say last night to me and I know she means well. I also know we have a mortgage and debts to pay off and the quicker we can pay it off the better we all can be.
I would rather us get to a debt free situation sooner than sit back and not do my part.
So men, don't let your ego get in the way. If your ego is in the way, you're living in the 1930's - 1950's mindset of mom stays home to raise kids and dad works. That era is over. Be glad for your significant others accomplishments and encourage them. Keep the marriage healthy, and be happy you have been blessed with a spouse who is ambitious. If you feel you are going to bruise your ego, go out and earn as much as you can still, or get to the curb. Just don't let your ego tear up your marriage.
Best wishes to all,
Brian.