Parents play favourites when helping adult children
Several weeks ago, we talked about how much money some boomers spend on adult children no longer living at home.
Reportedly delivering a regular subsidy approaching $500 a month on average, parents describe down payments, weddings, cars, travel, gap years, and even supplementary pensions as just a few of the ways they deliver a wide variety of aid to their adult children.
Not all grown children get the same support, and which children parents help most may surprise some people, suggests Purdue researcher Karen Fingerman.
She notes that these subsidies represent “a dramatic increase from 20 years ago, when young adults received much less support from their parents.”
Most people expect parents to help their youngest child or one that’s struggling, but her research suggests that parents are also quite eager to help the child they consider most successful, largely because their kids’ achievements reflect well upon them. It was these children that parents enjoyed helping the most, she reports.
In her study, younger children received more support than did their older siblings. Those who faced adversity – including job loss, divorce and health issues – got more money and practical support than those who were successful, who had to make do with advice and emotional help, but little in the way of actual cash.
Where do you draw the line with your adult kids? Do your parents make such distinctions within your family?
By Gordon Powers, MSN Money
Posted by: Keith | Jan 21, 2022 9:27:22 AM
I'm the youngest of my siblings and the most successful financially and with personnel relationships. This however has worked against me in getting fair treatment from my parents. I did poorly at school; I was late to learn to read and struggled to keep up with my peers. My Parents dream was to have all three of their children attend post secondary school. My sister is the only one of us to pursue this, I on the other hand struggling with high school, drop out at 17 to start work. I work in a factory, it allows me to support my family, own my home, and drive a new car all of which I had by 23. My sister, now 30, had half of her university and teacher college paid for. The other half of the loan co-signed by my father. She now lives in the house my parents raised us in (They upgrade to a larger one) paying rent that is $500 below market value. Why because her schooling, something neither my parents have, is a source of pride. What makes this even more unfair is that I at age 25 have a disease that is crippling me (already have a hip replacement and eat 57 pills a week). I paid room and board since I was 16, because I didn’t have a scholars mind. My older Brother was in the same vote as me so he ran away from home and lived in a drug den, before cleaning himself up and making me proud when he married and started his own family.
Posted by: Lisa | Jan 22, 2022 8:19:12 AM
My kids are teenagers still, however, I have already told them that they are welcome to stay at home as long as they want/need to. (If they get to their 20's and get a job and still want to be at home, they have to start paying rent.) However, we get along great and they are welcome to stay at home, if they want.
What I've seen happen alot in the past, "kids" that DON'T get along with their parents, and don't wan to live with rules, are the ones that leave the fastest. (That's with the older adults now.) However, what doesn't seem to phase them is that there will ALWAYS be rules to live by. The work place is a great example of that.
As for the older generation, they may have left home early, however, my mother and father didn't have anything new when they started their lives and made much of their furniture by hand, to save money. They also didn't go out for meals, but made most meals at home. My mother told me a story of just using ONE pot for cooking supper for a long time. Things were definitely different back then, with a whole other attitude.
Posted by: Don | Jan 22, 2022 7:04:35 PM
I have 2 grown childern and have helped both of them. I have said yes to some requests for assisstance and no to others. I have helped one more than the other but everyones circumstances are different. When one complained the other got more I told him that although he did not need help now, someday he might and I would be there to help. A year later we hleped with his wedding. If I had to give a dollar to both everytime someone needed some help I could not afford to help either one of them. They both understand this and are OK with it. This has been my attitude since they were small. If you only want something because someone else got something...that is a selfish attiude. I do not have unlimited funds and there are a lot of years ahead Who is to say you will not need that help for something important in 5 years. Do you want the help to be gone over "he got something today and I did not?" They are now both approaching 30 and have needed no help in the last 5 years but they know if circumstances change for either one I will be there to help.
They also know there sibling will help if they can. If they ask....I know they do need it.